Scallop-edged Shorts
Friends of the world wide web: big news. I dug up my favorite pair of scallop-edged shorts from the depths of our spiderbasementpit where they were packed away in a suitcase of pre-Sophie clothes, and they (mostly) fit. They fit. I wore them to my first meeting of BSF where I took Sophie to childcare for the first time. I dropped her off, and I --immediately -- envisioned myself dropping her off at her freshman dorm room. A crazy flash forward, friends. So, I circled the building twice -- because bathrooms hide themselves when they sense crazy coming at them -- hid in a stall, tried to squeeze out as much liquid as possible to make it seem like I was actually using the facilities, and widened my eyes toward the fluorescent lightbulbs to burn back tears.I enjoyed my first BSF meeting. The ladies in my group were lovely, and the overview of the material was interesting. But, I checked my phone -- often.The sweet mama sitting next to me must have seen me because after the meeting, she softly told me not to worry, that "leaving them gets better. It gets better." When I came by to pick up Sophie, I saw my sweet baby sitting and playing with a toy. A volunteer brought her over to me and told me that she did great. One of the little boys even made eyes at her the whole time. She did fine. She made a friend.We drove home, ate some avocado, swung in the swing, read a book, played with toy animals, and rocked in the cool, gray light of her room. I looked down at my nursing baby, and she gently pet my finger and my forearm with her hand. Sophie no longer keeps her fists clenched most of the time. She no longer spreads her fingers out wide when she feels like she's falling or when she's startled. She no longer makes fart noises with her tongue. She no longer stares in wonder at her blue monkey boyfriend who dangles above her on her playmat and teases her with googly eyes and a handsome, devilish grin.My baby can be dropped off. She no longer needs me every 2.5 hours to the minute. She's basically a college freshman. She's learning how to suppress her desire to make fart jokes all the time and learning what to do with her hands-- two things I still haven't mastered-- and she knows how to dump boys who can't communicate well. After Sophie fell asleep, I went downstairs to microwave a cup of lukewarm coffee, and I started counting those "no longers" in my head. And, as I was waiting for my coffee, I teared up for the second time today. I was eating a peach standing by the microwave which made the crying a little awkward. (But you should google 'crying while eating' because those are my people.)At BSF we read Joshua 1 together. In that chapter, God says, "be strong and courageous" four different times. I noticed the repetition and commented on it during our discussion, but I let that insight flit away. I didn't need much strength or courage today. Joshua was taking over for freaking Moses (who was pretty much the Oprah of the Old Testament) as the leader of the Israelites. He needed four times the strength and four times the courage to step into that position and smooth the scalloped-edges of such a massive transition for his people. All I needed to do today was yank on a pair of scalloped-edge shorts. I just needed to drop off my baby and check my phone often. I just needed to read Giraffes Can't Dance aloud to my girl in a weird voice and slurp on her feet to make her laugh. I just needed to cry into my peach as I microwaved my lukewarm coffee.
______________________
P.S. If you know me in real life, or if read my blog, you know I'm a cryer. If I'm happy, I cry. If I'm feeling sentimental, I cry. I'm okay with it. The sobbing face is my go-to emojii. Friends of the www, can you relate?P.P.S. I was listening to a great podcast today about actually interacting with people on social media because that's the whole point of social media. So, in that mindset, if you're feeling up for it, I'd love to pray for those of you who need a little strength and courage (times one, or times four) this week. Even if it's simply courage to drop off a baby at childcare for 1.5 hours or 8 hours. Or to stop crying at produce. On my instagram post, please leave a comment, tag a friend, or DM me. I'll pray for everyone tonight at 10:30 p.m. MST. Let's send each other strength and courage because why not?